How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Bullshit Work Seminars

Two weekends ago I had to attend a mandatory personal development training for work.

Essentially it was a goal mapping seminar that consisted of – you guessed it – us mapping our goals.

“How can someone even begin to map out their many hopes and dreams?!” you might ask as I had… so eager was I to learn! Well dear reader, the answer is simple. Through the mystical power of DRAWING.

I drew my future, and it looked a little something like this:

What is this

Suffice to say, my future looks pretty bleak.

My primary goal (center) shows a disembodied arm, floating ominously over a moth and/or book. Either it is stabbing the moth, or it is writing in the book. I can’t be sure of which.

To achieve this goal of becoming an evil entomologist and/or writer, I plan on either sprouting a few extra arms (to kill more moths?) or doing jumping jacks (to strengthen my arms for long bouts of writing?)

To achieve this I must… adopt the power of heart, like the poor foreign kid on Captain Planet.

Do you like my ring?

Once I have the power of love on my side, I can then wake up extremely early, perhaps even before the sun comes up, as I skip to some unknown place, emphatically yelling to the sky “lets go!” My stick figure embodiment is disciplined, enthusiastic and also a quadrupedal.

Then I publish a series of polemics, and am subsequently imprisoned due to how provocative and politically charged they are. If the scratches on the wall are any indication, I’ve been held prisoner for 10 days, yet I maintain hope by looking out a puddle of sky floating in the middle of my prison cell. I will later escape through it.

Afterwards, I obtain a pair of binoculars, and presume to spy on others in order to find interesting material for my book. Or maybe this is a commentary on how I am turning my work on you, the viewer. You are now the voyeur, not I!

My work is multi-layered…

By the last bubble I actually fell asleep, so was unable to finish my piece.

Now I am not only a better employee, but a better person. Thank you HR, for introducing me to a highly efficient way of organizing my thoughts. I will doodle all my latent desires from now on.

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